A very long year of practice and patience

I come back to this blog for usually one out of the two reasons- if I'm in a phase in my life where I can't talk to anyone about what I'm going through or when someone reminds me about the joys of recording life's updates to look back on them one day. Its the latter this time. Nonetheless, a year and a half have gone by since I last updated this blog and I believe the change from then to now is as drastic as it always is.

I'm writing this, still from Sydney which means I can give myself some credit for not running away or quitting despite all those isolated months and second guessing this decision. But I haven't made it through just on my own. Because the things I have been childishly complaining about were all slowly taken care of as days progressed.

After spending those first 6 months of arriving in Sydney in that studio apartment completely alone and friendless, I decided to move into a flatshare and found a really nice one in Double Bay. It was with a girl called Hannah and the house belonged to her parents. I absolutely loved the house. It was situated in what was easily a 100 years old building, maintained in its original structure. But as you entered the house, you could almost smell the recent refurbishments. It opened into a beautiful living area and open kitchen with lightly varnished wooden floor and some really antique furnishings. My room was quite small, just enough to fit a single bed and some furniture but did I love living in it! It was a quiet corner room with big windows that opened to a very leafy outlook of the street. The light travelling through those leaves let just enough light into the room and it was peaceful to wake up in it every single day. Hannah, a Jewish local resident, grew up in the same locality with her parents house just a few minutes from us. She was a lovely flatmate to be honest. We were very different as people but I found her to be a deeply passionate person who took out time to do the things she liked and I learnt quite a bit in living with her. I learnt that it doesn't take a lot to be environment-friendly and considerate towards the community. Also, that its possible to leave the kitchen clean and spotless the same night as when you cook in it! While living in Double Bay, I met an old friend who moved to Sydney from Delhi, Pramita and the social aspect of my life changed very quickly after it. I now live with Pramita in a 2 bedroom apartment in St Leonards. This apartment is a dramatic upgrade from the last 2 places. Its situated on the 24th level of a high-rise building and we are the first occupants to move into it. And within weeks, it became very important how spacious and easy to live this apartment is and I will get to the reason in just a minute.

Rewinding back to 2019 and to the 26th year of my life, I can say it was nothing like the past 25 years. As obvious as it sounds, year 2019 is when I really grew up. It started with nothing. I came to Australia with as little savings as a person could possibly have because lets face it, the concept of having residual cash doesn't exist in my family nor with me. I won't forget how I spent weeks with just 100 dollars (actually maybe even less), counting every dollar that was going out for a meal. And that one day when I didn't even have a dollar. Months of sleeping in an empty apartment with just a mattress and only necessary kitchen and bathroom items. I know people make it with fewer things but that was the most stretched I had ever been in my life. And yet, I was okay. I booked another failed attempt at exams in the December of 2018 before I finally realised I couldn't go through CPA anymore. 2019 was the year when I got to spend the most time with myself. Thanks to social media, constant companionship in the city where you grow up and the Indian culture of always having at least 2 extra non-family members in your house, we never have to think of things to do just by ourselves. There's always a family gathering, a lunch, dinner or night stay with friends or just a movie night with your sibling. But living in Sydney with as many as 2 family members who live 2 hours away from you,1 friend-ish acquaintance and 2 colleagues you speak to at work, I got hours in a day where I found myself to be completely company-free.  Amidst trying and failing to keep in touch with friends who still had physically present other friends to speak to and an extremely taxing long-distance relationship that eventually blew up, I was forced to either be my own best friend or die. The year included 2 India trips on Easter and Christmas, both of which were eventful and gave me the boost I needed to go on but only temporarily.

2020 is the year of ironies and this is where all my practice of being home and just by myself comes in handy. The little chatter around the start of the year of this rare newly-found virus that affected people in some parts of China was not the thing anyone thought about a lot in their day until it became a full blown pandemic in early March, forcing countries and economies to lock down within days. So 5 weeks into this global lockdown, I find myself extremely at peace when I see everyone around me living the life I had depended on for a year of desperately waiting on people to respond to them virtually and having no idea about what to do just by themselves. And this is where being in this house helps massively because its big enough to take an indoor walk with sun coming into the house as if we were at the beach. So yet again, I find myself marvelling at the perfection of God's timing for everything- where I am, with whom I am and what I have.

I hope to write from the other side of this Coronavirus lockdown in what seems to be the most unusual year of anyone alive so far.

"When the music changes, so does the dance"

As 2018 wraps-up after a ride of wild decision-making and emotional perils, I felt an imperative need to record my state of mind in this final blog-post for the year.

I write this from a very new setup, both literally and metaphorically. I am no longer comfortably placed on my secluded dewan-bed in my otherwise siblings-shared bedroom in Delhi. Though still secluded, my bed is now in a small studio apartment about 10,430 kilometres from Delhi, in Sydney. I moved here 1 month and 22 days ago after a tiresome and emotionally-heavy 16 hours long flight to start working in EY Australia. That's the job I got as a result of a rigorous application procedure and a series of interviews that were slightly less disastrous than others. I am quite happy with how things worked out for me and made me get out of the waiting phase and into a new one just at the right time. But this is by far the biggest decision I have had to take in my life and also the biggest change I am undergoing.

From an overview, this is a great place to be in. I am back on my feet working again, earning again and all of it with one of the biggest professional organisations in the world. I have a house to live in, enough money to get by (even some extra) and what seems like a pretty promising career as well. I am also a part of a more advanced economy now(until India catches up and one day it will) and well, can't complain about cleaner air, can we. And yet, almost every day, I have to mentally say these things to myself and a few more to convince myself that this is good. I keep going to the first day of landing in Manchester and loving just the mere feeling of existing in that moment. There was nothing special, nothing spectacular. It was around the break of dawn so still mostly dark and the airport was not fancy big either. And yet, I could feel like my mind was smiling throughout the immigration check-out, the cab ride in the dark to Residence 6 in Leeds and for the rest of the seven months of living there.

Snapping back to present day, I keep wondering what's changed from then to now. And I know there are a lot of answers to that but I keep yelling to myself 'but you are the same person, aren't you!' and  'You wanted this for yourself, didn't you?' Well, I don't know the right answer to this question but I know one thing that's definitely not changed since 2016. That is- opportunities coming my way without any real effort of my own (except for really wishing hard on them). And since this one happened on its own too, I feel like giving it a chance.

Its funny how time changes the things we want so drastically. Maybe this is why its said that human needs are never fully satisfied. By the time we reach where we thought we have been wanting to reach because of a goal we set for ourselves a year ago, we have changed as people during the time and now want something completely different! We could call it the ultimate irony of life or the vicious circle that this life is.

So 2018 has been a year of achieving the goals that I had made for myself back in 2016 and yet realising that there is no such thing as 'achieving' a goal. So here's to moving into a new year of confused existence and bitter-sweet memories. 

On the other side of 25

It's been 2 years since I last wrote a post and it's amusing how much I have changed in this time. My desire from life, my attitude towards it and where I stand are all completely different now. I also don't write as enthusiastically as I used to in the past. Words fail me a lot more now. But it would be a shame not to update my blog for how things have been since 2016. There have been a few significant changes in this time with some to talk about and some to keep in my heart.

 

I no longer work in KPMG. After spending 4 years, 9 months and 11 days in the company, I took a decision to overcome all the thoughts that had been holding me from moving to a different place and actually did it! I have to admit that sometimes life's most important decisions need to be taken in a heartbeat or else, you just cant bring yourself to take them ever. Especially if the cost of it is dear to your heart. So that's what I did. On a more courage-filled day, I walked to my Director and broke the news to her and that was it. About 4 months from that day today, I look back and know that was the right thing to do and that place had served its purpose in my life.

What do I do now, you may wonder. I'm waiting. I am a deeply impatient and restless human being at heart and therefore am going through a very important lesson in life right now- 'All things in good time'. Its frustrating and sometimes I feel like running around the house yelling on top of my voice about nothing in particular but I suppress the emotion by thinking of the light at the end of the tunnel. Oh and in an alternative, less complicated response- I am finishing my exams and waiting for the next job to begin.

I am also, no longer in my early 20s. While still mostly selfish, my thoughts and worries now linger around a different set of themes. Marriage being a gigantic part of these. Its more real than ever with my peer group slowly slipping into the pool of changed relationship statuses and liking men for entirely different, more mature reasons than before. I can also hear the clock ticking much louder in terms of the time I have to 'settle' into a job and at a specific place. I feel like I'm much older suddenly, than a lot of people and even my sisters who have otherwise consistently been 2 years younger than me but are suddenly still young at 24 while I am a mature adult in the society.

I might not be able to do much in terms of the increasing years of my physical life and therefore stubbornly remain a child in my spiritual life. The daily struggles of remaining consistent in my devotion time, of keeping my faith intact through good days and bad, of knowing God more deeply and wonderfully than before, its all still there and keeping me from growing up. I love God deeply but still struggle to make him a casual part of my existence and conversations as everything else that is tangible and close to me. 

2018 is a year of changes, this I know. And I am waiting to see what the next few months hold for me. Till then, casually strolling through the struggle that is this 'adult life' and dealing with  pangs of reality checks that come my way.

2016- Adventure of a lifetime!

At the risk of doing this too early and perhaps undermining the remaining part of the year, I want to review the happenings of 2016 because it has been a year that compensated for the lack of excitement of at least last 5 years! SO here goes listing the 5 most significant happenings of 2016 for me!


The first place definitely goes to the experience of living all by myself in a new country. When dreams come true, they usually don't happen to be anything like you can imagine and that was precisely the case for me. I still remember so clearly the first day I set foot in the UK- coming out of the Manchester Airport and seeing how beautiful the country was! I had no words. From the usual Delhi scene of seeing lots of people, traffic jams, road side vendors, cyclists and crowded market places to the English roads of Manchester and Leeds- considerably less population on the streets, more space everywhere, perpetual winter, more street discipline and cleaner air, it was a transformation. I do not intend to criticize Delhi, I never can. Its a wonderful city full of historical and modern surprises but this transformation was quite obvious to my senses and I was absorbing every bit of it from the moment I set foot. The days after the first one went away so quickly, I wonder if all my dreaming and wishing had served like preparatory lessons for my brain to adapt quicker than it should have! The apartment in Residence 6, Leeds city, KPMG's proud new glass building, grocery shopping at Tesco, dinners at Tharavadu, weekend trips to other parts of the country, learning and getting really good at cooking!


The second most significant event in the year was dadi's demise (who said this list will be all happy and exciting?). After living with her for twenty four long years- seeing her day in and day out, I don't reckon any of us will ever fully accept the fact that she's not around anymore. Good days and bad, she was an absolute constant through everything. I will never forget her final days. The last family dinner we had before she fell really sick, her last two weeks when she went completely silent and used to give us brief smiles occasionally when her eyes caught our shadows, her frivolous prayers to God for a quicker death and her family's well being before she stopped speaking...its all engraved in my memory for life. What I can perhaps be thankful for is that there could have been more of such happenings in the year and even Dadi's passing away could have been longer, more painful. But that's not the case and I can't not thank God for that.


Third on my list of the most significant happenings- The weekend of Coldplay and Harry Potter! Oh that goes down as probably the best weekend of 2016 or even 2015,14 and 13 combined together! The whole experience of being able to attend a Coldplay concert in reality in Manchester, it had to be nothing less than magical! From getting fantastic spots right in front of the stage, to being able to sing along with Chris Martin to each and every song... I fell in love with the feeling of enjoying music all over again. That was followed by the adventure of being stranded without a train back home, ending up sleeping at the station and waking up to catch a train to Watford for the Harry Potter tour. Again a dream for many, I was able to experience two brilliant events in a single weekend...I still wonder how I managed to come out of it without a heart burst! The magical tour was nothing less than a dream again- each and every part of the studio was a relic in itself of the brilliant imagination of JK Rowling and any HP fan would feel more than privileged to be able to walk through and touch these! I cant possibly put into words how much that weekend meant to me and always will.


The fourth significant happening of 2016 for me was being able to travel my heart out! For those 7 months of being in the UK, I remember being out in a new place every single weekend. And Im talking about approximately 25 weekends here! To be able to have the liberty of choosing a place, booking tickets to go to it and roaming the city all day without an actual plan was BLISS. I am so glad and thrilled I could see so much of England in my time there. From planning the first major vacation to Scotland to smaller and sometimes instant trips to other magnificent towns and cities in the country, every single one is engraved in my  memory forever. I remember my very first solo trip to London- figuring out the modes of transportation, hopping on a bus all by myself, stepping foot in that new, vibrant city...it was every bit exciting! I got a chance to act completely touristy as I figured out how to use the maps to reach Trafalgar Sqaure and all the familiar sounding areas of the city before meeting Niyati to go home with her. That trip was followed by many more of its kind and every single one of it is a new story I can narrate a million times over.


The final thing on my list is something I have been debating on in my mind since I started the list. I had a few alternatives for this point but I guess whether I like it or not, it was a significant event of my life in 2016 and needs to be mentioned here. It was to have been hit by the feeling of love. A travel story is never complete without the mention of finding someone in your journey and God made sure my story was not lacking in any respect. The reason I was unsure of including this in my list is because I do not know if this is something I would like to come back and read after years. Because there is a fair chance that what seemed to have been a dreamy love story at some point in my life, might not end up to be the ultimate love story. So instead, I want to mention that ultimate or not, it certainly was a very happy part of my 2016 and it is afterall, the first of its sort in my life and hence, significant. Maybe check out my next year's review to find out more about this ;)

Adventure of a lifetime


The beginning...


Waking up today, I took a moment before crowding my mind up with things to be done in the day, thoughts to think about, songs to be played on a loop and roads to travel all day. I sat in my living area thanking God for this dream I'm living right now...I now know what living the dream means. You know that feeling of preparing to participate in a quiz for like days or weeks? Thinking how it will be, whether you will win or what kind of questions will come up etc. And then on the quiz day you realise wow, this is happening today...this will answer all those questions Ive been thinking about- I will either make it or break it. This is what I woke up feeling like today. All those moments of anticipation, restlessness and wonder...of how it will be when I finally get to live alone...will I be able to survive, will it be as adventurous and exciting as I'm hoping it to be, will it be as liberating as I have thought it to be? Well, I am here and finding out every single day.


It has been one full month since I came to the UK to start working here. I know this dream comes with an expiry date but why should that stop me from cherishing it as much as possible? Yes I will have to eventually return to India and lead the same life I've lived for 23 years but does it really matter? Its about one life changing experience, one moment that transforms you as a person or one day which makes you change the way you think. I've always said that living by myself will make me discover the real me- the person I am capable of becoming. All those issues with self-doubt, of requiring a constant validation from people around, of not being a woman of substance in reality, of fear of failure to withstand a situation and most of all, if I'll ever get rid of my inhibition and be able to be at my truest with people around...The way I am when I'm just by myself. It has always amazed me how what I think is so much more refined and insightful than what I generally end up speaking or expressing to people. And I have always hoped that one day, I will be able to match what I speak to what I think. That one day, I will care so little of what people will think about my words or actions that I will be able to be bring my inner most feelings out in the open. And every time I have yearned for this, I have believed that an experience like this will help me reach there.


In the one month that has gone by, I have experienced and felt so many emotions- emotions of utter misery on not being able to do simple house chores, of painful loneliness, of a wild freedom, of pangs of joy to realise I am travelling alone everywhere, of frustration when I'm not able to get anyone to talk to in times of worry, of happiness on being able to perform well at my job, of 'latent' love for my family and a surprising worry about my parents and how they are doing. Its just the first month so I wouldn't push myself to arrange my thoughts or emotions in a certain manner. I'd rather see them build me up in the coming days into the person I will turn out to be by the end of this time.

My travel emotion

One might ask me my travel experience. All those places that I've seen and been to. The truth is, I havent travelled a lot yet. But i want to. I want to see so many places! Explore so many cultures! Talk to so many people from different parts of the world! I want to walk for hours in the raw beauty of nature and capture the dying sunshine through my eyes sitting on a mountain top. I want to swim in the waterfalls right in the middle of lush green  forests. I want to have days when I can wake up in a new place every day! I want to know how different breakfasts taste in different parts of the world-how their teas taste. I also want to party and dance with all sorts of people and in different kinds of celebrations. I want to have a whole album of memories from the places I have seen.but most of all, I want to discover myself in this journey- to see what I'm capable of. To feel happy and excited and satisfied about myself and confident about my personality. I want to be high on myself.

I remember how amazing i felt when I drove to Agra all by myself with just Shikha. I felt liberated. And happy.  To be able to travel without supervision and just do something on my own. Such a small thing yet such a profound impact on my confidence. I just want to feel like that again. Trust, love and be happy with myself.

It's just a matter of time till I am ready  to take my life on it's best journey and witness the most exciting destinations with my bare eyes. Till then, I am going to keep this spirit alive in myself and live each day to build up to that one.

In our hearts,we will always be the same.

Old is gold...sounds funny without an afterthought. But its famous for a reason,a rather valid one.ill take it in context to my friends.i've had a number of them over the years but some have become my copassengers in life's journey.my school group-tarang,samiksha,swaranpreet,mansi and aishwarya(ish).the memories made with this lot is embedded in my heart and soul forever.Every moment from my school life inevitably relates to either one or all of them.I think what gives me a swelling pride is the fact that we stuck together even when we couldnt and cant be together all the time.

Shreds of memories from how i met each one of them still floats across my mind when i think about it.Tarang never fails to remind me how i 'encaptured' her partners seat in her absence and insisted upon sitting their even when she got back.such outrageous accusations and i still smile and feel proud to put up a fight that day.because it gave me a friend for lifetime.We have had our set of differences and rocky moments but i hardly remember any of those when i look back.what immediately comes up are those times when we tumbled over laughing,stole library books(returning them with due respect everytime) and forged overdue signatures,read novels after novels on the last bench in claa,argued about overrated canteen idli dosas and played 'chain-chains' at the backstage. Shes played a huge role in turning a awkward new girl entering Mrs.Stone's strange class to what I am today.

Then came samiksha,aishwarya, swaran and mansi. we became a defined and recogonised group in no time.samiksha is the typical piscean of the group.chirpy and 'attention seeking' all the time(in a good way,though).She can be trusted when it comes to senseless laughter without a second thought.Swaran ,well its hard to define this girl because she has transformed at every step.Grown,became stronger and confident.Dear friend,is what she is to me and will always be.Mansi came and became one of us in no time.aishwarya and i also saw good friendship but mostly after she left school.

With time,life went on and so did we.the trunk of our friendship tree diverged into various branches ,all going in different directions.Classes changed,courses changed and eventually schools and even cities!but not for once,did it change the bond.even after months of not being able to meet or talk on the phone,the chattering,the laughter and the love just doesnt stop.

I realise that with time,the direction each one of us has taken,will take us further away from each other but out of the few things in life that im confident about,this one is a sure shot.That we are always going to be the same insane group of mismatched idiots who will not stop laughing and falling on each other while doing the same...when together. ;)