HOW LIFE CHANGES...

Stepping into St.Thomas School,I assumed that this would be my world forever.I assumed life would pass in the same old classroom with those 45 children sitting in rows around me.Even till the end of Eleventh,the realization that I'll have to now leave my world,did not dawn upon my senses.My school has given me a lot.It has raised me from where i used to be to where i find myself today...I cant explain the sort of bond and feeling that I get when I see my school today...after 9 months of passing out.Maybe that's the reason why i took and am probably taking so long to get adjusted in the world i now live in.
i remember the day when i got down from my school bus in 4th class.i was in Mount Carmel then.i got down n my mother was there as usual,waiting to pick me up.and there was another parent with whom she was chatting away.everything was so normal! i got down and we started walking back to our house.the aunty suddenly turned to me and said something like "aur beta!! aaj to last day tha..saare friends se mil liye?" and i stopped dead.my mother looked up beside me towards me and said 'oh,you're gonna change schools'.i was blank.
aunty exclaimed 'o dear,you didn't tell her!'
and mom went 'no,didn't get a chance...'.I was still blank.as young as i could be then,i still managed to feel the air being knocked out of me.so that was how this life changing news was brought to me.as if it was a dress i was supposed to change...i remember calling up all my friends one by one and telling them about it.while some managed to give me bewildered replies,the others just came up with 'o really! so you wouldn't be coming in the bus tomorrow...'
that was how my life changed for the very first time.leaving Mount Carmel and entering St.Thomas'...
the second time my life changed and did a somersault was when i got promoted from from class VI to VII...it was like the dreadful feeling of a new school all over again.however till then,i had learned how to make a place for oneself in a completely new environment.Had i been,like i was when i entered St.Thomas in class IV...i would have lost the battle.
Junior school was a bad dream.mean kids...dirty old premises...you had to earn a swing and not share it...everybody around you is bloody brilliant and as clever as possible...unfriendly teachers...no identity.
But coming to senior section,i was sure of an identity...a friends group...my own latent brilliance and a rush of adrenaline to do something greater than what I've ever done!
All my cribbing and mourning over the loss of a school as dear as Mount Carmel,vanished as soon as St. Thomas challenged me to open up and show it what i had. All those dirty looks,mean smiles and friendless breaks had done the magic.

In the end,i would conclude by saying...just when you thing that the last thing that happened has ended your world...God is at work to create a new better world just for you.

COLLEGE

A college,I was so sure,would never be mine...The day my parents and I had started talking about graduation,cut-offs and Delhi University, i made sure that the name Jesus and Mary College,was not taken up at all.

But as the theory goes,the more you think you wont get near something..the closer it gets to you.And i landed here,in JMC.but you know,now after 6 months of going to college it seems like i was destined to be here.Everything about it seems tailor-made for me.And that makes it all even more irritating!

Anyway,Jesus and Mary is also a challenge.As much as i love challenges...i have to confess its not my strongest point...i suck when it comes to socializing.i might as well eat alone,sleep alone,watch TV alone and die alone.and it does not disturb me!!god must be joking when he gave me two contradicting traits!one of leadership and the other of a...well...LONER!A complete non socializer!!Anyway,that's probably the reason why i want to do a lot but end up watching from the outside...because i don't have the guts to go and grab the opportunity.i feel it'll 'come' to me!which reminds me of a joke from 'eat,pray,love'...a beggar goes to the church every day praying-'dear god,pls pls pls let me win the lottery!!"...1 month...two months...six months...1 year...still praying...finally god comes down and says "dear son,please please please buy a lottery ticket!!"

if you didn't get that...it implies,one has to GRAB an opportunity or at least make a move in order to achieve something.God does the rest!! i...well...i don't even start with it...!

Anyway going on to the factual description,JMC is spectacular.Probably because all other colleges in DU seem to be more or less just ruins and archaeological centers.but Jesus And Mary is 'beautiful'It even has trees!!and bushes!!and lawns and gardens!!yes lawns and gardens are two different things.and they have both! Anyway,JMC is a SCHOOL!big time! The common perception of a college is late classes..mostly bunked,frequent cancellation of lectures...professors not bothering to come to classes and so on.But college was an absolute surprise in this respect. Actually an exact opposite. Classes and schedules just became all the more stringent in college. Shortage in attendance, regular class tests and late returns.

But those are just facts that i noticed here and there while passing through a time of utter turmoil.I don't know if it happens with everyone but my switch from school to college was like changing countries.Maybe it was because i myself made a great deal out of it.But how could i not!i absolutely loved school.Because i was finally beginning to see myself as something there. A sense of belonging, that was what i never got. and finally it was happening. I got friends, real ones. I got a position and people trusted me to handle it well. Teachers looked at me for work and appreciated my participation.In a world as self centered as mine, people hardly have time to as much as give somebody else a look. Anyway, college meant starting afresh with everything.And for me,these things wok really slowly...three years is certainly not enough time for me to settle down and start growing. So it was a nightmare. People at home did notice me being lost a lot of time but nobody tried to talk to me or suggest me a way to handle this sudden emotional stress. So i didn't know which way to go and just followed what life brought every new day. I know that was a mistake. I lost my stand in my own life to be honest. I was letting it wander off as it pleased and it did happen to end up at all the wrong and unproductive places. My parents became unhappy, grades suffered and of course my own conscious kept pricking me indefinably to the limit. And college being JMC was a greater hurt to my ego. I have to admit that...

...now I'm in my second year of college and thankfully getting a grip on myself. Its still not as fine as it should be because an year of nothingness cannot be swept off just like that. Nonetheless I'm positive it'll get better with time because I've decided not to give up and never to let myself wander off again.Lets pray and hope that the part of college that lies ahead is not as bad as the part that's gone.

A Road,leading or misleading?...

A road,leading or misleading?...
Im facing a strange dilemma these days which im sure is not just my but every second teenage girls problem. Its a war between my heart and mind. Im being lead to feel something while my own conscience does not approve of it. My sanity pulls me away from this road,screaming in my ear that im about to fall,get hurt and be wounded.But the dellusion is strong.The bait is enticing.It is very convincing.A large part of me wants to go ahead,be lured and face whatever comes.
Who knows?Maybe life will surprise me and it may end well.Its called optimism...hope...but being a person of practicality and not led nessesarily by desire always,i want to protect my self-confidence and faith in people around too.Wheres my guiding light when i need it?or maybe this has to be tackled by me alone.I chose this road alone and decisions taken here will be mine and solely mine.Either this will make me,or break me...