"When the music changes, so does the dance"

As 2018 wraps-up after a ride of wild decision-making and emotional perils, I felt an imperative need to record my state of mind in this final blog-post for the year.

I write this from a very new setup, both literally and metaphorically. I am no longer comfortably placed on my secluded dewan-bed in my otherwise siblings-shared bedroom in Delhi. Though still secluded, my bed is now in a small studio apartment about 10,430 kilometres from Delhi, in Sydney. I moved here 1 month and 22 days ago after a tiresome and emotionally-heavy 16 hours long flight to start working in EY Australia. That's the job I got as a result of a rigorous application procedure and a series of interviews that were slightly less disastrous than others. I am quite happy with how things worked out for me and made me get out of the waiting phase and into a new one just at the right time. But this is by far the biggest decision I have had to take in my life and also the biggest change I am undergoing.

From an overview, this is a great place to be in. I am back on my feet working again, earning again and all of it with one of the biggest professional organisations in the world. I have a house to live in, enough money to get by (even some extra) and what seems like a pretty promising career as well. I am also a part of a more advanced economy now(until India catches up and one day it will) and well, can't complain about cleaner air, can we. And yet, almost every day, I have to mentally say these things to myself and a few more to convince myself that this is good. I keep going to the first day of landing in Manchester and loving just the mere feeling of existing in that moment. There was nothing special, nothing spectacular. It was around the break of dawn so still mostly dark and the airport was not fancy big either. And yet, I could feel like my mind was smiling throughout the immigration check-out, the cab ride in the dark to Residence 6 in Leeds and for the rest of the seven months of living there.

Snapping back to present day, I keep wondering what's changed from then to now. And I know there are a lot of answers to that but I keep yelling to myself 'but you are the same person, aren't you!' and  'You wanted this for yourself, didn't you?' Well, I don't know the right answer to this question but I know one thing that's definitely not changed since 2016. That is- opportunities coming my way without any real effort of my own (except for really wishing hard on them). And since this one happened on its own too, I feel like giving it a chance.

Its funny how time changes the things we want so drastically. Maybe this is why its said that human needs are never fully satisfied. By the time we reach where we thought we have been wanting to reach because of a goal we set for ourselves a year ago, we have changed as people during the time and now want something completely different! We could call it the ultimate irony of life or the vicious circle that this life is.

So 2018 has been a year of achieving the goals that I had made for myself back in 2016 and yet realising that there is no such thing as 'achieving' a goal. So here's to moving into a new year of confused existence and bitter-sweet memories. 

On the other side of 25

It's been 2 years since I last wrote a post and it's amusing how much I have changed in this time. My desire from life, my attitude towards it and where I stand are all completely different now. I also don't write as enthusiastically as I used to in the past. Words fail me a lot more now. But it would be a shame not to update my blog for how things have been since 2016. There have been a few significant changes in this time with some to talk about and some to keep in my heart.

 

I no longer work in KPMG. After spending 4 years, 9 months and 11 days in the company, I took a decision to overcome all the thoughts that had been holding me from moving to a different place and actually did it! I have to admit that sometimes life's most important decisions need to be taken in a heartbeat or else, you just cant bring yourself to take them ever. Especially if the cost of it is dear to your heart. So that's what I did. On a more courage-filled day, I walked to my Director and broke the news to her and that was it. About 4 months from that day today, I look back and know that was the right thing to do and that place had served its purpose in my life.

What do I do now, you may wonder. I'm waiting. I am a deeply impatient and restless human being at heart and therefore am going through a very important lesson in life right now- 'All things in good time'. Its frustrating and sometimes I feel like running around the house yelling on top of my voice about nothing in particular but I suppress the emotion by thinking of the light at the end of the tunnel. Oh and in an alternative, less complicated response- I am finishing my exams and waiting for the next job to begin.

I am also, no longer in my early 20s. While still mostly selfish, my thoughts and worries now linger around a different set of themes. Marriage being a gigantic part of these. Its more real than ever with my peer group slowly slipping into the pool of changed relationship statuses and liking men for entirely different, more mature reasons than before. I can also hear the clock ticking much louder in terms of the time I have to 'settle' into a job and at a specific place. I feel like I'm much older suddenly, than a lot of people and even my sisters who have otherwise consistently been 2 years younger than me but are suddenly still young at 24 while I am a mature adult in the society.

I might not be able to do much in terms of the increasing years of my physical life and therefore stubbornly remain a child in my spiritual life. The daily struggles of remaining consistent in my devotion time, of keeping my faith intact through good days and bad, of knowing God more deeply and wonderfully than before, its all still there and keeping me from growing up. I love God deeply but still struggle to make him a casual part of my existence and conversations as everything else that is tangible and close to me. 

2018 is a year of changes, this I know. And I am waiting to see what the next few months hold for me. Till then, casually strolling through the struggle that is this 'adult life' and dealing with  pangs of reality checks that come my way.